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I can't believe it. I really can't. It's been eight months. Eight months, since I cashed out, shed tears, skipped town, and left everything I know behind.

It's amazing how fast the heart can change. I went from simply liking, to obsessed, to slight/extreme dislike (winter), to infatuation. 

What could it be that causes me to feel like this? 

Do I have to leave? No, I should stay. People need me here. I need people here. Can I stay? No, I should leave. People need me there. I need people there.

Love. 

Outside of Manihuales, Chile

I love the fact that my face hurts often from smiling. I love that my students, rush to me for high fives, secret handshakes, and whatever else. I love that my host mom and can sit and talk about pretty much everything, despite my still limited vocabulary. I love empanadas, kuchen, and lentejas. I love that I have family all over the world, but it doesn't make it easier.

I've started packing, but I can't stay focused for too long. Something holds me back. I know that eight months is a very short time in comparison to the twenty-four years I've been around. However, here we are again, on the cusp of adventure and I feel like I'm leaving my family again.

_________

And now a couple letters:

Queridos Familia y Amigos de Chile,

Gracias por todo. Son asombrosos y generosas. Mi familia es más grande y pienso que estoy mejor porque yo les conozco. Espero que ser como la gente aquí con corazones grandes y todavía más grandes sonrisas. Queiro a recordar los sentimientos de felicidad y alegria que senti con mis amigos y familia chilena. Estoy diciendo nos vemos por un ratito. Gracias otra vez. No puedo creer que es el momento de dejar.

Con gran amor,
J

Dear Family and Friends in the USA,

Thanks so much for supporting me thus far. It's been an amazing journey, and it's hard to believe that it's ending. But let's be honest, this isn't the end, just another beginning. I'm coming home really soon. To be exact, I fly in December 11. As I transition back to living in the US, please be patient with me. I want to see you all and tell you everything. However, I ask for a little time to figure out what's happening. But on a side note, I will be in need of a job soon, so if you know anyone who's hiring, feel free to drop a line.

With Love,
J

Nos vemos Pronto Chile (See you Soon, Chile)

Going Sola

 On Monday, I went to Puerto Ibanez (1.5 hours south) to work with the kids in the more rural part of our region. I judged a Spelling Bee and Singing Festival. Here's what happened:

After lunch I walked into Aonikenk's auditorium and felt the eyes of the excited students watching my every step. Just audible, a student says,"Hello."

Detour.

"Well, hello everyone. How are you today?" I reply.

A wave of,"I'm fine" follows. Then we learn each others names and sing the alphabet. "Tia, tia, que canciones tu sabes de California?! Auntie/auntie, what songs do you know from California?!" asked one little boy.

"Hmm. There are so many! Do you know Hotel California?" Strike one. "California girls?" Strike two. "Do you know Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes?" Winner winner chicken dinner.

So in the unusually warm weather for Patagonia, together we sing and do the motions to Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Their smiles and the laughter are things that make it worth it. Maybe I should be working with Basico/Elementary Age.

Puerto Ibanez, Chile

Friday, was yet another day of traveling but this time in the other direction to Puerto Cisnes (2-3 hours north). Here, Pawel and I served as MC's for the first Annual Singing in the Rain Festival. A clever name, as Puerto Cisnes is a pretty rainy place. I've never been an MC, nor do I think I have amazing stage presence. But alas, years of learning how to laugh at myself, karaoke nights, REJ duties, and Model United Nations have all paid off. The event was a huge success, the director told me I made it look easy (aw shucks), and I ran into a few students I know from Winter Camp.

Saturday, the sun was out early and the sky was nearly cloud free. Today's is going to be a great day I thought. The plan: revisit Queulat, finally see Ventisquero Colgante, and hitchhike back to Coyhaique.

We hiked 3-4 mi. into Queulat, to go hiking in Queulat. Warm up?

Queulat Round 2
As Pawel and I went our separate ways—me, 30 minutes farther into Queulat, him, off into the Enchanted Forest—the adventure began.

Cool, ok. It'll be nice to be alone right? Yeah, definitely!...said no one ever. Pretty much all of our time as singles is spent alone or tagging along with our married or relationship-ped counterparts. We are indeed social creatures and like company.

Yet, I feel similarly to my friend Ashlee, and am each day coming to the same epiphany. Mainly, that in a society that is eagerly clinging to connectedness in social media and very community-centered, that it's ok, if not necessary to be comfortable alone. Read what Ashlee has to say here: I Have A Feeling This Is Going to be the Best Year Ever.

After a grueling hour or so, I made it to the mirador/viewpoint, sweat pouring from the weight of my pack. I set my pack on the bench and sat quietly in front of the famous Ventisquero Colgante. Wow, this is amazing. I rested, eyes closed so as to enjoy the chirping of the birds and sound of rushing waters. When I reopened my eyes, a little bird had hopped next to me and everything was so peaceful. I didn't have to rush off, talk to anyone, or care about anything I didn't want to. And all that time I didn't feel lonely.

Ventisquero Colgante, Queulat

Surprise yourself by being alone, intentionally. It's might be weird or challenging at first, but I find it very rewarding. For example, you can practice different accents without being made fun of.

Speaking of surprising today I received a Halloween card from Sarah Beene! Best way to start a rainy Tuesday, and also a timely reminder that I'm never alone, not even at "el fin del mundo/the end of the world." Thanks Sarah!

Just witching you a happy Halloween!- Sarah

Milwaukee Blue and Something Journey Said

First off, a quick shout out to all of you, where ever you are, for reading these posts. You guys are great and so important to me. Also, thanks everyone for asking me questions that help me process and appreciate my experiences in Chile and elsewhere.

Puerto Cisnes, Chile

After spending fours days away from internet, alarm clocks, and obligations I am happy to be home, although probably more exhausted than before. In four days, we traversed curvy unpaved roads, forests, beaches, rivers, glaciers, and lakes a plenty. The serene countryside was teeming with new life and as testament calves and lambs scamper around in the open pastures.

If you don't know already, then you probably should know now that one of my favorite musicians is City and Colour. I have become ever more aware of this as the crew inserted several references and jokes to remind me of my not-so-secret obsession.

I spent the weekend with three friends that I know from living in Coyhaique and teaching English. There's not that many young teachers and even less who are young and teach English. So anyways the group consisted of two boys, El Jefe/Boss Man and Nip the Sleepnificent, and two girls, Sweet Mass and yours truly JJ the jet/Mowgli/Jameish!/Washington. I'm pretty sure a splendid time was had by all, even though at times there was an excess of drama, which I take responsibility for. Basically, hopping out of the car with no money, no phone, no meeting spot, and no layers wasn't my most brilliant idea to date.

Puyuhaupi, Chile

The weekend started with an overnight drive to Puerto Cisnes. After rolling into town and checking out the waterfront, we began asking around for places to camp. Once this was accomplished we listened to music and shared stories until eventually turning in for the night. On awaking, I couldn't help but be excited, this weekend's going to be great. I've been trying to get to Puerto Cisnes, since June, however I heard that travel would be difficult then because of rain, etc. Finally, we made it.

Skipping ahead after a quick breakfast and refueling in Puyuhaupi, we headed for our main destination. Raul Marin Balmaceda which is part of the Palena-Queulat Basin and faces the Pacific. I know I've said it before, but I have to say it again. I love being near the ocean and for that matter large bodies of water, they always remind me of home. It was the perfect time to think and just be as we were the only people around in the small town. That night once with our host Miriam was amazing. She told us how until a few years ago no one in RMB had cell phones and that to this day there's no full time doctor. Talk about rural.

Bonfire at the Beach: Sweet Mass and I

A bonfire on the beach complete with dancing to grooves anyone who grew up in the 90's should appreciate (the Macarena!) was a great way to wrap up our short time in RMB. It was during this glorious dance party that I played a song by City and Colour. Earlier I was telling Sweet Mass that she might like his music. El Jefe, took this juicy nugget of information and threw it in almost every conversation. All in good fun, the jokes continued because El Jefe talks about Milwaukee as much as I talk about City and Colour. His fascination, Milwaukee's the country, right? As we explained that Milwaukee was geographically and demographically pretty far from what we deem country, his love for this industrious town remains unshaken.

Raul Marin Balmaceda

 We decided to leave early, so that we could head back visit some hot springs, and still spend a full day visit Queulat National park. Queulat has been on my mind since I came across it on the map, and our beautiful rain hike did not disappoint. When people think of Patagonia, they think Torres Del Paine. I'm sure Torres del Paine is amazing, but this region is just as beautiful. The relatively small amount of human traffic makes gives you a chance to take your time and admire the beauty. The rush of the rivers, misty rain, and wind welcome kindred spirits to get lost. At the end of the The Encanted Forest Trail was the following:

Glaciers

Melting snow plummets and refreezes, what?

Checking out the Greenery

 Don't Stop Believing

As much as I'm loving the adventures and geographical wonders of Chile, the highlights of the past few weeks have been more personal. As I talked to el Jefe prior to the trip, he asked a rather simple question: Why would you believe in God? Point blank, I really didn't know what to say to him. Although, I really don't know if it would've mattered because he also said that believing in God was like believing in unicorns.

Believing in something is hard to do, probably because it requires us to rely on something outside of ourselves and leaves us pretty vulnerable. Often undefined variables or traditions are central to beliefs. Now, I think I'm beginning to understand my own struggles and those of many around me. The apparent success of individual effort, the lack of evidence, or on occasion the blatant failure of traditions work to foster skepticism and doubt.

But believing isn't a trait of the strictly spiritual. Human life depends on believing. Languages, math, and science all require believing. Lesslie Newbigin says, "One does not learn anything except by believing something, and -- conversely -- if one doubts everything one learns nothing. On the other hand, believing everything uncritically is the road to disaster. The faculty of doubt is essential. But as I have argued, rational doubt always rests on faith and not vice versa. The relationship between the two cannot be reversed." Think about Pythagorean's theorem. For some of you rocket scientist types it might've have been easy, but in my mind it was not. Yet I trusted Mr. G that the hypotenuse would equal the square root of the sum of the adjacent (squared) and opposite (squared) sides. I didn't know why it worked but it did.

It's hard to get on board with something, when there's no guarantee, but it's essential to our learning. The fact that we can communicate and figure out complex systems of understanding like geometry, proves that we can all do it. Doubt also has it's place, but to doubt something we have to at least consider that it can be true. In closing as Journey once said, "Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling".

Well that's all for today. Til next time, stay pensive my friends.